no meds for this

 

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great

It’s time again. It’s going way too far again. I am going too far. I need to, though. It hurts like a mother, and I really can’t stand myself at all. This time around though, it’s like I am watching myself. I am so aware of being absolutely split personality. I am not fun at all to be around with, I guess. Not because I just totally suck, but I am so phlegmatic. One second I am this, the next I am the opposite. I can barely stand myself. This war inside is getting nastier by the day.
The sad thing is I hurt people around me. Especially the ones I like most. I guess others won’t even notice. I am doing alright keeping a façade with not so good friends.
Not metaphorically spoken, I am about to burst and explode from anger, from frustration, from not-knowing, from knowing and from being paralysed. I did so fucking well in summer last year. I did so so well. Then it all started all over again but just real fast, much faster than in all those years before. Probably because I was finally able to “get” what was going on, and which part of me was “addressed”. Like, three-way friendships - never worked with me. But I know I am capable of them, I know I don’t have to worry to that extension or in that direction. I always felt left-out, shut out, as the child in this - to me - family like constellation. That is exactly what it is to me. I was so often shut out at home. Door closed - me staying outside, away from the happenings. I never really knew what was going on between my parents. (As a child, that is.) Then when they returned or when I was around them they always seemed to have something more special than what I have with them. It’s like when two of my friends do something together, or spend time together and I am not around … It’s like with this they have a more intense, more rich, more worthy friendship than I have with them. That’s why I never went there. Just to be not shut out. Preventing. I don’t want to somehow get close to a constellation like this. And no matter if the third party is a human being or a subject, I just would try to avoid or at least keep up with it. And then when it actually happened, when I was right in the middle with it, I couldn’t stop my mind from going all angsty. I was really looking for reasons or even proof why I was (better: felt) shut out. Today, I still wouldn’t realize whether I am actually shut out or whether it is just in my head. I still am not able to do that. I just have to believe and trust people, really. This is so fucking hard... not to go back to my old routine. It was so simple, so easy. But it is fucking me up; it is fucking friendships up for me.
More.
I was always preferring or “accidentally” drawn to long-distance friendships. I told myself I cope better being on my own most of the time. This is not totally false. That is just the wrong reason, though. That has no relation, that is not a reasonable excuse. I am afraid to let someone get close to me - because this would mean I have no buffer. With my long-distance friendships I had a comfortable buffer so I would not get confronted with real issues or when they appeared I was long gone - on my own, not depending on that person. Not in my everyday life. That’s what I told myself. But then, as time progressed I could not really get away with this, neither in my head nor with the person. It actually got real. It just took much longer due to the distance. And now, as for solving this, I am too far away. It was all fun when seeing someone just a couple times a year or less. But when it actually gets tricky after such a long time, it is hard to re-arrange or deal with it. It just seemed so much easier… So easy not to have to deal with any real arguments, real facts, “real” people.
More now.
The eating disorder. I just eat to be able to not get serious with men. I am afraid of falling in love, having a relationship. Alright! I want to, but not really. With me being fat I always have a handy excuse to not get serious. I can flirt but I won’t have to be afraid that there will be more than this. Oh god, my mind is a genius. When I loose weight - just enough so I feel sexy and comfortable - I might actually hit it off. This scares the shit out of me. Then, when someone loves me or someone doesn’t, I can’t blame my looks. Then it is for real - then it’s just me, my personality. How will I cope with this? No buffer there, either. This is fucked.
Another acute issue right now.
I am in somewhat of a mid-twenties crisis. You know, 25 going 26 in half a year. This is really bugging me. Almost six years at the same job, more than six years in the same town. I was such an enthused concert-goer; I was so interested in new bands, in anything that wasn’t in the charts mostly. I found museums so boring; I just wanted to go shopping. I only read gay porn books really. I didn’t care about my future, savings, getting my car fixed. That was just trivial to me.
Now I find myself enjoying football games, walks through the nature, going to museums, tourist-y stuff like visiting this or that, having a nice night in and red wine. I really can’t see me standing in first row at a gig anymore. Even though I might want to, I just can’t bring myself to it. Am I old enough to have serious talks? To actually sit down to have a talk? To sit down in a plain café and have a cappuccino - like OLD people do? Is it okay to be interested in the future, in savings, retirement pension, insurance - instead of the newest bands around? Is it ok to be standing in the back at a gig, or not even go at all; even though it is one of your favourite bands?

I feel drained from myself.
But as soon as I hit rock bottom for real this time, I will get better.

 

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written on 2007-03-28